Heroic Epithets

There are certain traditions that I’m glad died out. The plague, for instance, was a very bad tradition. I’m also not really into human sacrifice, blowing one’s nose onto one’s necktie, or chucking toilet refuse into the street (though the gentlemanly tradition of walking nearest the road when ambling down the sidewalk with a lady survives as a remnant of the refuse tossing tradition: since upper floors often jutted out over the street, the person closest to the street was most likely to be struck by falling missiles). Indeed, some traditions were fated to go, and I wish them well.

However, and I’m sure Ivan the Terrible would agree, official epithets and superfluous suffixes are traditions that never should have bitten the dust. Whether it is Æthelred the Unready or Hroth, Dragon Slayer of Ripgaard, those catchy and appropriate little additions make all the difference. The medieval chic-ness (if anything medieval is chic) is staggering, leaving opponents with inferior names utterly unprepared for the speedy death rendered unto them by their well-named superiors. I know ordinary old JP Waldroup would be too busy trying to understand the implications of the name Culwych, Ogre Thrasher of Cardiff, to protect himself from the undoubtedly potent onslaught soon to follow cordial introductions on the battlefield. It’s a bit unfair really.

So in order to make up for our epoch’s lack of heroic epithets, I have devised a table by which we can all add appropriately vexing and completely gratuitous titles to our everyday names. All you have to do is match up the first letter of each of your names with the appropriate entries in the table below. For instance, I, JP Waldroup, would become JP Waldroup, Mosquito Eradicator of Rotterdam, much more intimidating than before. Make sure to pronounce things dramatically too. Don’t just say mosquito, say moe-SKI-toe. It adds a whole new dimension. I have included a variety of ridiculous and more serious entries to keep it interesting. I hope you enjoy; do post your new names (and take them to heart). Perhaps we will vote on the best ones.