Cold Doom

A few weeks ago, I hopped in the car on a chilly Georgia morning and turned on the radio. The forecast greeted me:

“Fearsome arctic blast descends upon southern territories; deaths likely.”

It was all very dramatic, as cold weather always is in the south. But I would have it no other way. I can go out to a sports bar and see Glenn Burns on every TV screen, gesticulating wildly at minuscule spots of green and white somewhere north of Atlanta while a dancing “Winter Storm 2010” graphic pours snow on the rolling banner along the bottom (which bears strange announcements interspersed among the multitude of school-closings – messages like “Lands of frozen tundra unapologetic over escaped weather”). As I munch on some hot wings and fries, I listen to Glenn tell me how the latest in Snow Accumulation Prediction technology (which they refer to as “SNAP Tech”) is showing rapid accumulation overnight, up to .27 inches in total, with drifts of up to 2 inches (gasp!). But in one small town east of Atlanta, accumulation could be up to 17 feet. After he has zoomed into a few particularly dense snowfall areas to the point that nothing on the map is recognizable, he realizes that 17 feet is really quite unlikely, so he reminds us that SNAP Tech is still experimental, and perhaps we should only expect 14 feet. I feel very honored that Atlanta, home to some of the greatest annual blizzards in the world, is finally being recognized for its potential in testing snowfall prediction equipment.

Later in the day I went to the bank to deposit a check. As I stood in line, I could hear an elderly gentleman at the counter muttering, not so quietly, about those northerners “keeping their cold to themselves,” like it was something they intentionally passed on to us. I suspect he was right (Glenn Burns said so). But the teller had a different opinion,

“I’m from Pittsburgh,” she announced rather noisily, “and I can tell it’s definitely not cold enough to snow. I’ve seen real snow. You know, snow snow. There’s no way we are going to get any.” I wanted to protest, citing Glenn and his splatter of green and white across the metro, the new technology, and the scaled-back 14 feet of snow predicted east of Atlanta, but I thought better of it. I figured I’d better not argue with the woman who was going to have full access to my bank account information. Plus, I knew she really had seen more snow than most of us from Georgia. And I knew that she was only exhibiting that fundamental human urge to be proud of your hometown.

This urge often shows itself when weather is discussed. Those from the north always pooh-pooh the “cold snaps” in the south, many of which don’t even get below freezing. But those of us from the south similarly dismiss the “heat waves” of the north. And as much as we say we are only speaking the truth, in reality, we realize that we are all exaggerating, just in different directions. But we prefer our exaggerations to everyone else’s.

But I have good reason to prefer the southern view. When I was in college, Glenn Burns was making some of his permanent-ice-age predictions one night. Apparently the President of the college heard the news and decided it was severe enough to cancel school the following day. We all celebrated.

The next day was sunny and well above freezing – then even my northern friends had to admit the local doomsday flavor to weather wasn’t so bad after all.