On the Road

One time I was flipping through the radio channels in Atlanta and I heard a brief snippet of some radio host:

"Honk if you love Star 94!" or some other radio station, I don't recall which. And then I heard a bunch of screaming girls, apparently on speaker phone, who had called into the show:

"AAAAAA - honk - AAAAA WOO honk HOO honk honk!!!!"

Ever since that night I have wondered what the people around the girls' car were thinking. Had I been around them, I probably would have had one of the following thoughts:

"I am going fast enough, idiot!"
"Are my lights on? Are they honking at me?"
"Same to you!!"

And I imagine that the drivers near the girls had similar reactions. But perhaps they were at a stoplight, then reactions would have been slightly different:

"I can't go - the light's red." Honk Honk!
"Do I know them or something?"

Pedestrians would have instinctively ducked and looked for the source. Stray dogs would have started barking and feral cats meowing, the inhabitants of the neighboring car would have looked over and, upon seeing a group of giggling girls, rolled their eyes and continued to wait for the light.

Communication between drivers can be very confusing. The most well-intentioned gesture can be misread and returned with anger, a simple goading honk can be misinterpreted as the honk of utter contempt and unleash a torrent of curses. I have a friend who was once flicked off by a nearby driver who had misunderstood my friend's passionate singing (with arm motions) as passionate screaming and finger-giving. It's dangerous to enjoy your music too much.

Other gestures can be misread too, especially when drivers are wearing sunglasses. Most people love to wave their arms around in meaningful ways while talking to other passengers. That's all well and good until the guy in the car next to you thinks you are waving and gesticulating at him. Then he thinks you are giving him the right of way, he zips in front of you, cutting you off, and you proceed to really wave and gesticulate at him. He does the same back, but he thinks you are happy. It is particularly confusing if you are talking to someone on speaker-phone, so any gestures are made to invisible people. I am normally inclined to think you are gesturing at me before I think you are gesturing to your brother who cannot see you and lives in Alaska.

Often these gesture mishaps result in honking mayhem. The neighborly driver has cut you off, and you are now angry. So you let off a string of honks - long, pregnant ones. Then he knows you are mad. Honking is easily interpreted. The quick two-honk duo is a sign that you need to go, having missed the change of the light. The long, full two-honk means, "You are an idiot," and is often responded to in kind. Longer strings of short honks are light-hearted hellos or demonstrative thoughts of the driver which have nothing to do with anyone else. A single, lengthy honk (for more than 3 seconds) means "Get out of my way fool!"

The only problem is that many cars have vastly inferior horns. Many sound like a mouse squeaking in the corner, trying to be heard in a room full of elephants. Good car horns are juicy, gargling, full, and deep. Large sedans often have the best of all. I used to drive a Buick LeSabre which had an exceptional horn, and I was sure to make use of it often.

All the gesturing and honking has made America's roadways an emotion-laden festering ground of anger. Sometimes even simple mistakes without any malice can result in unbelievable anger. One time I was riding with a friend in rush hour on a local highway. We needed to merge, so seeing a chance, we merged to our right. It just so happened that one lane further to the right contained a gentleman who wanted to merge left into the space we had just occupied. He basically merged at the same time we did and we ended up in front of him. He apparently read this merge as us cutting him off. So he managed to fly past us in the next lane over and remerged into our lane, right ahead of us. Then, in the middle of rush hour on an exceedingly busy highway, he stopped his car and got out (five lanes, mind you). With ire in his face, he walked back to our car, which was effectively blocked by his car ahead of us and traffic all around us, and began to pound on the driver-side window, screaming expletives and nonsensical blabber about us cutting him off. Luckily, we caught a gap in the lane to our right and sped away before anything worse happened. But really, neither of us was in the wrong; I think the no-longer-gentle man was probably affected by indigestion.

I once went to Charleston with a group of friends and our wonderful hosts took us out into the river and harbor in a boat. There were not many other boaters out, at least, we only passed by 10-15 other small boats in the course of 2-3 hours. But every time we came upon another boat, all the passengers waved to each other. We didn't know them, but we were united by boating-culture.

Recently I decided to take up this habit when I drove around the area in which I live. If I was anywhere near my apartment, I would wave to other drivers as they passed by (on two-lane roads, that is). I really enjoyed it; it brought cheer to my day. But people are crazy. I more often received the middle finger than a wave in return for my jollity.

I don't know why people are so disgruntled by friendliness. But one thing is sure, America's roads certainly need more friendliness and less disgruntlement.